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Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret, by T.D. Jakes
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In his latest work, bestselling author T.D. Jakes presents his take on attracting love in abundance. Jakes suggest that a loving bond - whether marital, sibling, or parental - is one of the key fundamentals toward a prosperous life. T. D Jakes explores ways to strengthen these relationships, urging children to be more patient with their elder parents and siblings to show more gratitude and respect for each other's differences. Jakes shares what it takes to recover after a divorce and make dreams of true love accessible even when the odds seem against it. He uses the lessons he has learned from his own marriage and family life as well as those of others to encourage and inspire people to give and receive the greatest love possible.
- Sales Rank: #136098 in Books
- Published on: 2008-09-16
- Released on: 2008-09-16
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x 1.10" w x 6.00" l, 1.24 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 302 pages
About the Author
T.D. Jakes is the CEO of TDJ Enterprises, LLP; founder and senior pastor of The Potter's House of Dallas, Inc.; and the New York Times bestselling author of Making Great Decisions (previously titled Before You Do), Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits, and Let It Go: Forgive So You Can be Forgiven, a New York Times, USA TODAY, and Publishers Weekly bestseller. He has won and been nominated for numerous awards, including Essence magazine’s President’s Award in 2007 for Reposition Yourself,�a Grammy in 2004, and NAACP Image awards. He has been the host of national radio and television broadcasts and is regularly featured on the highly rated Dr. Phil show. He lives in Dallas with his wife and five children.
Excerpt. � Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
one
Before You Take the First Step -- Reflect, Discern
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."
-- Chinese proverb
I can trace every success or failure in my life back to something I did or didn't decide effectively. Whether in the course of developing relationships, doing business, selecting investments, or accepting invitations, I've found a direct correlation between my location on life's highway and my decisions to turn, exit, stop, or start. Extenuating circumstances beyond my control were always involved, yet more times than not, I was a victim or victor of my own making, achieving or failing because I did or did not put in place the necessary prerequisites to accomplish my desired goals. Now, to be sure, I am not a self-flagellating individual who uses this premise to blame and belittle myself for past decisions and their consequences. No, I am saying that my decisions set the course of my life.
I have now been married to the same woman, the mother of my children, for over twenty-five years. That relationship decision has set the climate of my life much like a thermostat on a heating system sets the temperature in a room. In keeping with this concept, persons in a room may not know that the temperature is affected by the smallest incremental movement of a drop of mercury in a device at an unnoticed location. In spite of its invisibility to the inhabitants of the room it still affects the comfort level of everyone present. Similarly, my key relationship decision, and many other decisions I have made, affect me and all those around me. Good results are a direct reflection of my ability to think through, discern correctly, and move succinctly from the trajectory of my last decision.
We All Have Our Own Unique Decision-Making Process
Sometimes we have to make a small decision such as choosing a new hair style or whether to paint the bedroom sky blue or periwinkle. Other times decisions are larger, such as whether or not to move to a new city for a better job, or to keep an old one. We each have our own style and ways to approach the decision-making process. Some of us tend to know exactly what we want. We make up our minds quickly and act immediately. Others prefer to deliberate for a long time, weighing all the angles and options before deciding what to do.
Reflect -- Discern -- Decide
Good decision making in relationships, business, anything, results from a process of reflection -- discernment -- decision. This truth recently emerged in a new light for me. I have had the same COO in my for-profit company for nearly ten years. It was interesting to me to note an observation he made about me. Often people who work with you notice things about you that you have not realized about yourself.
He advised some business constituents that it was unwise to approach me with a presentation that was long and laborious. He had noticed what I jokingly refer to as my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), that my attention wearied quickly during presentations like those that included the history of a company and who the founder married in 1802. I really would rather be spared the guillotine of losing my head in the details that are largely irrelevant to what I need to decide. In other words, cut to the chase, answer my questions, and leave me to my own thoughts.
He also shared with them that the hardest part of doing business with me was the millions of questions I ask in the name of doing due diligence. I smiled at my COO's remarks and thought they were an accurate depiction of my inward reality. Even my staff members on the not-for-profit side of my organization have learned to come to me expecting multiple questions and to be armed with the answers before setting the meeting.
I do not apologize for this proclivity; I believe that good leaders anticipate tough questions and have at their disposal the answers that predict issues, struggles, and maladies that are inherent in the normal processes of doing business.
Sound decisions are based on great information, so the more significant the question, the more due diligence I require. I believe important decisions demand stewardship. If we are to be good stewards of great opportunities, we must show respect for those opportunities by the level of diligence to which we prepare for the next move.
Relationship decisions are among the most opportune choices in your life, and I remind you that no others leave as many footprints alongside your own on life's journey as those you make to unite yourself with another person emotionally, sexually, spiritually.
Curb Appeal
Several years ago, my wife and I purchased a new home. We did so after selling our previous home and nearly doubling our initial expenditure for it. I searched ardently through the better neighborhoods in our city trying to find a home that would yield a similar return in the future should we decide to sell. I had found a good house in a great neighborhood and began to discuss with my friends and family the possibility of purchasing it. To my surprise, one of my friends advised me against getting the house. He said, "I know you so well that I can hear your uncertainty in how you explained the value of the proposed home. You seem as though you are trying to convince yourself that the deal is a good one. In other words, thou dost protest too loudly."
My friend seemed to know that I wasn't totally happy with the decision to buy that house. It was a great deal, the house would sell easily later, and would no doubt yield a return. The problem was that I didn't really like the house. I liked the deal -- but not the house!
After this observation, I had to reflect. My goal of getting a house with curb appeal -- that was marketable for resale -- was not equally important as getting a house that I liked. Ultimately, I decided that my enjoyment of the house was a significant consideration that I had minimized.
Friends, many times we make poor decisions because we have decided what success looks like. Due diligence must include a heart check. Is the goal good looks or good character? Wealth or happiness? Safety or excitement? Is the goal a matter of marrying someone who looks good on paper or looks good in person? Is the goal to find a person who is economically sound or emotionally stable? Yes, you are right. It is possible to have both. But neither is possible if you don't decide that these are the goals. What does success look like to you, what comprises a successful relationship to you?
After looking at over twenty-eight homes all across the metroplex, I made a choice. By the time I was ready to choose, I had examined the return rate on my investment, the likelihood of foreclosure from my loan, a feasibility study that looked at fair market value (FMV), and comparable properties similar to my investment. The difference this time was that I also factored in the importance of liking what I was going to spend a good number of years paying for.
You may not be able to imagine buying a home without this vital consideration. In fact, some people make how they feel about their home, how much they like their home, their number one criterion for its purchase. They don't consider the kind of neighborhood it's in, its potential resale value, or where the market for homes in their metro area will be in five years. They only know that it has a great view, new appliances, and feels bright and cheery. Maybe you are less inclined to focus on the business of real estate and have little regard to the profitability of a house. Perhaps you gravitate by nature to the cosmetics of the house and your ability to enjoy it and decorate it. I realize that there are many buyers who are more interested in the feng shui of a house, the convenience of a functional kitchen, and the nearness to schools, and who never consider the resale value.
Both sets of factors -- your head and your heart -- must come into the equation in making this or any significant decision. You must consider both the hard data as well as the intangible internals.
So with both sets of data in mind, I finally bought a beautiful family estate on some extensive farm land! Farm land here is a good buy, and the house was all my rather large family would need as we grow into grandchildren and in-laws. My new property, with its extensive acreage, provides a home for bobcats, coyotes, and a few hungry Angus cows. Every morning when I wake up to the sound of squirrels playing in the tree outside my window and rabbits scurrying across the grounds, I know that the value of my home is not just the appraisal. It also includes the happiness for which there is no price tag. This reminds me of the MasterCard commercial in which the price of numerous items are listed followed by the value of the total experience, "priceless."
Small Decisions vs. Large, Financial Decisions
There is certainly a difference between making small daily decisions such as what to wear or what to order at dinner versus making a larger decision that will have greater consequences in your life. Large decisions, like making a major purchase such as buying a house, can have ramifications for your financial health for years to come. Moving to a new town or community could affect your relationships with your family and friends and could impact your kids, if you have them, for the rest of their lives.
You are also going to have to make decisions about relationships in your life. Considerations such as whether to enter into one, get out of one, or change the status of a relationship are decisions you'll have to make throughout your life. And those choices are not as easy as the prevalent Hollywood romantic movies today would lead you to believe. In the movies, things typically turn out happily ever after.
This is not to say that won't be the case for you. There is nothing more gratifying than a relationship with someone you love and trust, with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings. Having a partner to rely on, to hav...
From AudioFile
The leader of a large Texas church offers a thoughtful guide to making the decision of who will be one's partner in marriage. Known as a savvy entrepreneur as well, Jakes offers a five-step formula that one can apply to all important decisions: do the research, work through barriers, clarify expected rewards, narrow existing options, and make adjustments to stay on course. Goals and desires, he says, should reflect what's in our hearts, and our methods should move beyond formulations that sell ourselves short, diminish the work required, or blame others for the results we get. Though an abridgment of this work might give this production more impact, the clarity and authority of Jakes's reading style carry it through sections that are less tightly written. T.W. � AudioFile 2009, Portland, Maine
Most helpful customer reviews
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Research Before You Say, I DO!
By Andrew Smith
Making Great Decisions is written to guide readers into realistic expectations towards your relationships and researching who they really truly are. People will always reveal and display their feelings through their thoughts, words, behaviors, and actions. Bishop Jakes is a firm believer in asking the important questions and then weighing the response we receive in our relationships. Often times we fail to ask our dating partners the right kind of questions, then we are shocked when later they share their own opinions and ideas in marriage. It's critical that we must accept responsibility for where we are currently in life and not to easily shift the blame to our parents or our spouse. Blaming doesn't help our relationships improve it only hinders our personal growth process. One of the essentials before we date is to deal with our own hurts, disappointments, regrets, and pain from past experiences and relationships. Freedom comes when we heal and let go of the need to justify and reimburse our deepest pain. It's vital in realizing that the new relationship can't fix the old relationship issues. Don't take out your frustration on the people who didn't cause the harm to you in the first place! Bishop Jakes described that many people are wearing emotional condoms to protect themselves from future hurts and disappointments. As we get older it tends to get harder and harder to fall in love again. This book provides the fundamental keys for entering dating, marriage, having children, career, buying a house, and many other helpful tools. This book also contained twenty questions to ask before you get engaged.
I would recommend this life enhancing relationship book to anyone thinking about dating and is planning on getting married someday. Marriage is an enormous commitment that many of us don't take seriously enough. We are all longing to connect deeper to a partner but we forget to ask the significant questions before we say I do. I do have just become words without meaning and we are failing to grasp the impact of keeping our word! Sickness and in health, rich or poor actually means something who would have thought.
I especially loved the transparency Bishop Jakes showed throughout this book. He compared the woman in the Bible having ten coins and she lost one coin to people searching for their marriage partner. She kept looking for her lost coin until she found it. Bishop Jakes helped me to see that it is perfectly normal to be honest that I do want a relationship. Finding someone to date and marry is a risk but it's worth taking. Part of discovering a marriage partner you want is to research and study your relationship.
I immensely enjoyed the twenty questions to ask before you get engaged. One of my favorite questions was, "What do you expect?" Many times I am expecting that my spouse will be just like me and be interested in the same type of things or hobbies that I take pleasure in. Meanwhile, she is expecting me to act a certain way and I usually don't even know she was expecting. And she doesn't know what I'm expecting! It can be complicating but as a marriage couple you have to learn to describe and communicate what each other is expecting in your relationship. Another question Bishop Jakes shared was, "What are your ideas about sexuality"? Before reading this book, I never would have even considered asking this type of question before engagement. I would have waiting until marriage then I would have encountered disappointment and my expectations would have caused great conflict. Sex is an aspect of a healthy marriage but it isn't only the end goal. Marriage is much more than just sex and procreation.
This book had many features and imperative questions we must ask each other before we arrive at the altar to say I do. Though the questions presented in this book may be difficult at times to ask and answer, failing to have a discussion leads to confusion and conflict down the road in marriage. I am single and I have already decided that before I get engaged we will be going through these questions together as a couple. This book will strength your dating relationships and assist you in deeming who you will marry. Marriage and choosing who to spend the rest of your life with is a gigantic decision we can't take lightly. We have to investigate our dating relationships and watch for the signs of who they truly are! Pay attention to the clues!! If you're looking for a marriage partner, please read this book you will be blessed and forever changed and you will learn the skills and tools to succeed in marriage and other important decisions!
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
I would like to know how i can be reimbursed for this ...
By sam
This book did not meet my expectation. It came without anything on the front of it. Just a plain book. It was such a turn off for me. I have no interest in reading the book again. I would like to know how i can be reimbursed for this book. Total disappoint!!!
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Twenty Questions for Singles Makes this Book Worth the Purchase
By Sharra
Purchased this book because Bishop Jakes is known to give good advice. This book is no exception. Jakes includes advice for decision making at different stages of life. I purchased this book after viewing one of Jakes' messages to Christian Singles, "Before You Do - Junk in the Trunk." I wanted to have the 20 questions in hand as I spiritually prepare for the next life step. I am glad I made this purchase. This is definitely a book I recommend for men and for women.
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